My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.