My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
No one can handle that
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.