My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Meow
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.