My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
You Might Also Like
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.