My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
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Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw