My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.