My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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scared to check what name she chose
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
This one, by a wide margin
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.