My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
yikes
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.