Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Made something I’m not proud of

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month