Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂