My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin
You Might Also Like
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“No way.” -Jose
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.