My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Chemical wingman
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again