My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY