My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward