My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
we’re dead?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Now colored!
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭