My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.