me: dentist said the kids have the plague
me: yes a memorial would be good
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
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Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
wouldn’t it have been easier to use shovels?