My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
You Might Also Like
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring