My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

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me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good


Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.


Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?


newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!


Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream


Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*


Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.