My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.