My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
they split up moments later
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.