The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones
1. Create a podcast
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-
me: wait they called?
bully: well tha-
me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM