My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
*jazz hands*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
what’s really going on
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.