@UncleDuke1969

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

@thombodytolove

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

@donni

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

@ClichedOut

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

@ClareCoffey

How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones

1. Create a podcast

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

@desukidesu

bully: hey 2015 called, they want t-

me: wait they called?

bully: well tha-

me: [grabbing his collar] YOU’VE GOT TO WARN THEM