Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
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Me: carry my bags plz. I’m practically a trophy wife.
Husband: participation trophy
Touché husband Touché
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
“Can I help you find something?”
I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.
Just realized that my bf never asked me to be his gf and we never established that we are dating. We just like live together and have a baby together. But we don’t have an anniversary or anything. Omg are we dating? Is it too late to ask what are we? What if we are just friends
My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me: …. just eat the cake