@UncleDuke1969

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

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@joeljeffrey

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

@TenaciousTess

Me: carry my bags plz. I’m practically a trophy wife.

Husband: participation trophy

Touché husband Touché

@SadMeterologist

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@JDotComma

I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.

@that1mum

Just realized that my bf never asked me to be his gf and we never established that we are dating. We just like live together and have a baby together. But we don’t have an anniversary or anything. Omg are we dating? Is it too late to ask what are we? What if we are just friends

@HelloCullen

My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.

@heyitsJudeD

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake