My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
never ask a starfish for directions
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me