My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Not helping
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.