My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
You Might Also Like
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
*seductively corrects your posture*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide