My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
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I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
peak technology
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“I FIXED IT!”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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