Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live