Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired