Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

what kind of cook setting is this??

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.