my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
giddy up Office Depot
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
life finds a way
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget