my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.