My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Me when I try to be useful
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.