my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter

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Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery


Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.


Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.


They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.


*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*


when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour


*puts on a tuxedo*

I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.


me: *calls secretary* cancel my 2 o’clock, please.

Secretary of Defense: who gave you this number?