I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
The three genders
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane