@nachdermas
my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter
@Anniewritess
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
@bourgeoisalien
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
@QwertyJones3
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
@causticbob
you have three unread messages
@lejessica
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
@meghaffer
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
@cottoncandaddy
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
@cailabrown_
Boy never ceases to amaze me
@tsm560
*puts on a tuxedo*
I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.
@OrdinaryAlso
me: *calls secretary* cancel my 2 o’clock, please.
Secretary of Defense: who gave you this number?