Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@PieChord

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

@Julian_Epp

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

@truegritrumble

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

@Rollmaninoz

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

@JayFinW

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

@bornmiserable

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

@IvoryGazelle

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

@FU_TangClan

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

@AndyAsAdjective

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

@curledbitch

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15