The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
my favorite 15th century artist? definitely uh [thinking of the ninja turtles but trying to not pick an obvious one] master splinter
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Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Magician: Is this your card?
Magician: And this?
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15