My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
We made a comic about a space heater.
