My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy