My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
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If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Meeeee too!
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*