My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Just a bush.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”