My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
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“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
the zen of frog
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.