Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.