My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
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Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
That was easy.
Everyone is getting idioter.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master