My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
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long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
The Book. The Movie.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning