My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
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trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you