My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
DOOO EEEET
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑