My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???