Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Has there ever been a more American story?

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.