my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Love is always patient and kind.
True
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Wow 🤣
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling