my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
me when I see my crush
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.