@shutupmikeginn

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

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@chellemybell22

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

@Try2StopME

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

@ellewasamistake

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

@hilaryfairie

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

@iamburtjarvis

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.

@philco816

Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.

@thexythara

If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.

@Cheeseboy22

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

@ThanosSmiling

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

@LorieGZ

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?