my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.


My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..


velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery


I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.


[spelling bee]

judge: your word is serendipity.

me: can you use it in a sentence.

judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.


Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.


If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.


My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.


Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.


My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?