my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
This guy gets it.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again