My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
You Might Also Like
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.