My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
You Might Also Like
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
“The Perfect Relationship”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
he was correct
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.