My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Software Development ⛵️
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*