Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

so much to do

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.