Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.