Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

ㅤ

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.