My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
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Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I feel this so hard
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*orders delivery*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”