My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Happy birthday to all the women
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭