Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*