My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
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I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Did…did a minotaur write this
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.