Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Living the best life.. 😊

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Who.
Did.
This?

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa