My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Like sleeping!
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.