My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year