Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus