Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Gods work.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?