@chrisdowning

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

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@Moi_RaRa

How much to learn the thriller dance moves?

“Ma’am… this is senior citizens Zumba class!”

@1Happytwit

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

@Parentpains

Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.

@TheWeirdWorld

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

@youngestneil

My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth

@bromanconsul

hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over

@lilplayer809

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

@TheMichaelRock

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever

@riverpig12

Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!