My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler