My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

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How much to learn the thriller dance moves?

“Ma’am… this is senior citizens Zumba class!”


Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.


Sorry I can’t attend your Facebook event, I’ll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.


How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”


My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don’t brush my teeth


hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over


I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.


I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you’ll live forever


Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!