Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild