Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

why does this building look like a guilty dog

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that