Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

Breaking news:

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Don’t talk down to me