My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
catch me on valentine’s day like
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Matt Goss
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Just say no
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN