My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Chicken bread
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.