Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Somebody call the cops.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet