Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

meanwhile over on facebook

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.