my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
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Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?