Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.