Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Brands during Pride

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

😂

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.