My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Priorities
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.