My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
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Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My dog ate my work from home.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
same but as an audience member
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Breaking news:
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.