Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife

Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds

My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

Does your wife know you’re single?

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

idk what he going thru but i feel him

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good